Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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