The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
