there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
