You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
