i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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