I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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