For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
