I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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