Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Its about making memories worth repressing
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
