Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
