A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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