Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
