You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
