WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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