If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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