Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
