remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
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