I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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