I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
