Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
