you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
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