you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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