do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
