Define "chronic" masturbator.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
