I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Blood and glitter go together right?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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