There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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