So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
