I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I intend to get homeless drunk
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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