You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
