"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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