I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
