Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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