I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
