Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
