New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
