god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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