I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
