i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
