Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
