Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
