just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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