I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
