everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
