There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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