Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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