What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
