Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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