Your face is a jimmy john
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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