OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
