Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
