I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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